I’m not sure how this post will turn out or even if I will say what is in my heart properly. I have been looking forward to becoming a grandmother again. Even though the circumstances were not what I would have liked for my daughter, I didn’t judge or lecture. We went and looked and crib sets, baby clothes, we went to her first doctor’s appointment and I went with her to get on the WIC program to help her with the cost of food. There were baby names picked out and plans made to use her cradle that her daddy built. In all there were a lot of plans made and they were made together.
This past Tuesday I, my mother-in-law and my daughter were all suppose to go to her next appointment and hear the heart beat of my grandchild. Sometime during spring break the father of the baby and his parents convinced Jasmine to have an abortion. I only found out because I held her phone and there was a text and I read it. When I confronted her she told us that she wasn’t planning on letting us know, she would have let us go to the appointment and then tell us some story later. We begged her to reconsider, that if she didn’t want to keep the baby there were families who would love to have her baby. She went back to campus on Sunday and she would not return any calls or texts. There were a lot of people reaching out to her, I learned on Wednesday from her sister that the appointment was this past Thursday. I sat around Thursday hoping beyond all hope that she would call me and tell me she couldn’t go through with it, but she did.
I didn’t handle it well; I took it very personally, like if I had lost the child myself. I have never felt such sorrow or grief in my entire life. I haven’t spoken to her yet, though since we both go to the same college I will probably see her soon. We planted a rose bush in the backyard as a memorial for the child that as a family we loved. This has been hard on her brothers as well because they too were excited about being an uncle and they were hoping for a boy. I and my family are better today, we talked and cried and just stayed home together this weekend. I wanted to write about this because I need to remember a life that was loved and because the pain is still real.