Sometimes when our lives don’t match our expectation we forget that the boat we are in is built for two. Oh it’s all fine to row together when the seas are calm, the sun is shining and you can stop at all the local ports of call without worry of spending too much.
But what happens when the storms come in? I unfortunately am the first one to panic and stop rowing. I think it comes from my childhood and the life I led before I married my husband. I felt alone and abandoned and was sure that anyone who was in my life would use me, abuse me or leave me. My husband is not any of the above but still when things get tough I bail.
I panic and withdraw into this quiet depression that speaks volumes of my faith in him to get us out of another hard situation. And the worst part is after 19 years and many storms and many rescues, I still bail with the clouds get dark. I eat and shut down and shut out, instead I should be holding on to him and trusting him. I also know that I should keep rowing and pulling my weight instead of leaving him to do it all alone.
You would think that since I have the insight to know such much about myself and how wrong I behave I would change but it is harder to change what seems so instinctive to my nature. I can know in my head that I need to behave better but it feels surreal and I respond badly in spite of myself.
So here’s to another storm trip with the hopes of sunny days ahead and I want my guy to know I love him and he is my rock and my anchor. Thanks for putting up with all my bullshit! I promise in the next storm I’ll try harder.
i think we can all find ourselves there...my response is to go inward and figure it out, come up with my own solution and fix it...which is just as dangerous...poignant post. This is actually the second of my talks i am giving this weekend...we were not created to live life alone...
ReplyDeleteSince I've only been married about a year and a half this go-round, and was a single parent for a decade before that, I tend to forget I'm not in the boat alone, and attempt to figure out how to row the boat with just one oar, without going in a circle.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time trusting that my husband will be there beside me, or in front of me, helping us get through the storm.
I'm so accustomed to doing it myself, it's hard to let go of the control.
So far, he hasn't relinquished his duties as captain of our humble ship (and he still loves me, his little "dinghy"...lol).
I love your boat analogy. It reminds me of my post I did about couples and train couplings:
ReplyDeletehttp://cajoh.blogspot.com/2009/10/couples-and-train-couplings.html.
I think that many times we respond instinctively and never realize that there could be another way of approaching it. Recognizing that there could be another way is the first step.
The best of skill in learning how to tack and weather the storm.
Wonderful analogy... I want to be the one rowing alone, it's like I can't trust anyone to row as well, or in tandem. It's hard to trust someone to that extent sometimes.
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