Sometimes when our lives don’t match our expectation we forget that the boat we are in is built for two. Oh it’s all fine to row together when the seas are calm, the sun is shining and you can stop at all the local ports of call without worry of spending too much.
But what happens when the storms come in? I unfortunately am the first one to panic and stop rowing. I think it comes from my childhood and the life I led before I married my husband. I felt alone and abandoned and was sure that anyone who was in my life would use me, abuse me or leave me. My husband is not any of the above but still when things get tough I bail.
I panic and withdraw into this quiet depression that speaks volumes of my faith in him to get us out of another hard situation. And the worst part is after 19 years and many storms and many rescues, I still bail with the clouds get dark. I eat and shut down and shut out, instead I should be holding on to him and trusting him. I also know that I should keep rowing and pulling my weight instead of leaving him to do it all alone.
You would think that since I have the insight to know such much about myself and how wrong I behave I would change but it is harder to change what seems so instinctive to my nature. I can know in my head that I need to behave better but it feels surreal and I respond badly in spite of myself.
So here’s to another storm trip with the hopes of sunny days ahead and I want my guy to know I love him and he is my rock and my anchor. Thanks for putting up with all my bullshit! I promise in the next storm I’ll try harder.